Handling Conflict

If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. ¹⁶But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. ¹⁷If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. ¹⁸Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. ¹⁹Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. ²⁰For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.”

²¹Then Peter came and said to him, “Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?” ²²Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times." Matthew 18:15-22

This side of heaven, conflict between people is unavoidable. People do not always agree, feelings get hurt, wrongs are committed. How we handle conflict is the key. Most people hate conflict and seek to avoid it. When we deny there is a conflict resentment builds up and relationships suffer. Other times, people will respond passive aggressively by sending subtle and indirect signals, while harboring judgment and angst. Conflict can of course be destructive, but there are many times that dealing with conflict allows for open conversation and new solutions. The cost of not dealing with conflict is high, leading to strained relationships, resentment, and emotional baggage.

Jesus understands the human condition completely and offers a blueprint for dealing with conflict in Matthew 18. The first, and most important, step in dealing with conflict is having a 1-1 conversation. If you have been hurt or someone has "sinned against you" we are to go directly to the person and share our concern. This insight cannot be underestimated. Too often, when we are hurt we tell others but not the person directly. We share our story and seek to win others to our point of view. In families or churches, this leads to rumors, factions, and division. It is a toxic behavior to not discuss concerns directly with the person. Yet, this is often exactly what people do. We tend to avoid directly speaking with a person who has hurt us because it is hard to do. It forces us to name our feelings and share them directly. Another way to interpret Jesus' insight is if you cannot or will not share your concerns directly with the person then you should not involve anyone else. Jesus offers two choices: share your concerns directly or let them go. Complaining about others cannot be the first step. Jesus instructs us to only go to others after directly confronting the offender and having no results.

Following the wisdom of Jesus in regards to interpersonal conflict would generate far less negativity in our lives. This is a great insight for relationships, but is not a complete remedy. The other instruction Jesus offers for conflict is forgiveness. Jesus tells Peter that if another member of the church sins against him he must forgive "seventy-seven" times. This number may seem extreme but it underscores the need not only to confront offenders directly, but to forgive them. Confronting people directly allows us to share our feelings and work toward a shared solution. But we must also let go of our hurt and anger. Forgiveness allows us to move past our pain and heal. Forgiving others is not about letting people off the hook, as much as it is releasing anger, resentment, and pain from our lives. When we refuse to forgive we allow the offense to re-victimize us. Forgiving others allows us to heal and makes space for reconciliation.

Jesus tells us to forgive repeatedly and confront people directly because he understands the emotional damage of mishandling conflict in our relationships does. God created us for relationship with God and one another. In our relationships there will inevitably be times when we hurt each other. How we handle our pain and hurt goes a long way toward the quality of our life and our capacity to love. Handling conflict in mature and healthy ways allows to grow into the person God is calling us to be. This is true for us as individuals and as a church. We are called to do God's work in the world. Getting stuck in petty squabbles and holding grudges does not allow us to become the person God created us to be. Jesus' insights about human conflict are powerful and offer us a concrete process that will reduce negativity in our lives and free us to share God's love. Let us take heed!

Prayer: Lord, help me to share my hurt and pain directly with those who are responsible. Help me to actively address situations of conflict and address them in mature and Spirit filled ways. Help me to forgive those who have hurt me as you have so freely forgiven me, in Jesus' name, AMEN.